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The Onion News Network is the 24-hour cable TV news choice for billions of viewers in 811 countries. Now the hard-hitting, award-winning news you need is available anytime and anywhere you want.

Genre: Comedy
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Season 1 of The Onion News Network

    Episode 1: Enter the FactZone  
    Episode 2: Snowlocaust  
    Episode 3: Man-Horse Marriage  
    Episode 4: Fifth Anniversary  
    Episode 5: The Trial of TR-425  
    Episode 6: Cyber Attack  
    Episode 7: The Real Obama  
    Episode 8: Stock Market Crash  
    Episode 9: Real America  
    Episode 10: American Dream  

Season 2008 of The Onion News Network

    Episode 1117: Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman  
    Episode 1118: Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is  
    Episode 1124: In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume  
    Episode 1127: USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato Pricing  
    Episode 1201: NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King  
    Episode 1208: New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go  
    Episode 1209: President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule  
    Episode 1215: Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle  
    Episode 1217: Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather Bias  

Season 2009 of The Onion News Network

    Episode 105: Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard  
    Episode 106: Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse  
    Episode 112: Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline  
    Episode 113: Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony  
    Episode 119: Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size  
    Episode 120: Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings  
    Episode 126: Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea  
    Episode 127: How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine  
    Episode 202: Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team  
    Episode 204: In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?  
    Episode 209: Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work  
    Episode 211: FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful  
    Episode 216: East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women  
    Episode 218: Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer  
    Episode 223: Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry  
    Episode 225: Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?  
    Episode 226: Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby  
    Episode 227: Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair  
    Episode 228: NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams  
    Episode 229: Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat  
    Episode 230: Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets  
    Episode 231: Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator  
    Episode 232: Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport  
    Episode 233: Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed  
    Episode 234: DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack  
    Episode 235: Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris  
    Episode 236: Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face  
    Episode 237: Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable  
    Episode 238: Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs  
    Episode 239: Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars  
    Episode 240: More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas  
    Episode 241: Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?  
    Episode 242: Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show  
    Episode 243: Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions  
    Episode 244: Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'  
    Episode 245: Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee  
    Episode 246: Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq  
    Episode 247: Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing  
    Episode 248: Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire  
    Episode 249: NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line  
    Episode 250: Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'  
    Episode 251: Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes  
    Episode 252: Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage  
    Episode 253: New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free  
    Episode 254: Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's  
    Episode 255: Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor  
    Episode 256: Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg  
    Episode 257: US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com  
    Episode 258: Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker  
    Episode 259: Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature  
    Episode 260: New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less  
    Episode 261: Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes  
    Episode 262: New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time  
    Episode 263: Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon  
    Episode 264: Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa  
    Episode 265: Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is  
    Episode 266: Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title  
    Episode 267: Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.  
    Episode 268: U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt  
    Episode 269: Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive  
    Episode 270: Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village  
    Episode 271: Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women  
    Episode 272: White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase  
    Episode 273: Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use  
    Episode 274: Sudden Ominous Music Heard Across U.S., Nation Panicking  
    Episode 275: Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?  
    Episode 276: Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids  
    Episode 277: NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions  
    Episode 278: Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate  
    Episode 279: U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan  
    Episode 280: Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor  
    Episode 281: BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS  
    Episode 282: Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar  
    Episode 283: Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act  
    Episode 284: Are The Obamas Out Of Touch With The Average Miserable American Family?  
    Episode 285: New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'  
    Episode 286: Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire  
    Episode 287: Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows  
    Episode 288: Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist  
    Episode 289: Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting  
    Episode 290: How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son  
    Episode 291: Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game  
    Episode 292: Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck  
    Episode 293: Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus  
    Episode 294: Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks  
    Episode 295: Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner  
    Episode 296: Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.  
    Episode 297: Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP  
    Episode 298: Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked  
    Episode 299: DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico  
    Episode 300: Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series  
    Episode 301: Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization  

Season 2010 of The Onion News Network

    Episode 300: VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill  
    Episode 301: Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen  
    Episode 302: Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads  
    Episode 303: New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion  
    Episode 304: Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever  
    Episode 305: Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her  
    Episode 306: Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night  
    Episode 307: Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season  
    Episode 308: How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat  
    Episode 309: Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk  
    Episode 310: NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018  
    Episode 311: New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other  
    Episode 312: Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence  
    Episode 313: Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier  
    Episode 314: Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting  
    Episode 315: Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech  
    Episode 316: How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?  
    Episode 317: Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere  
    Episode 318: Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python  
    Episode 319: Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog  
    Episode 320: Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'  
    Episode 321: Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals  
    Episode 322: Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday  
    Episode 323: Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions  
    Episode 324: Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'  
    Episode 325: DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room  
    Episode 326: Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations  
    Episode 327: In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?  
    Episode 328: 'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face  
    Episode 329: Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win  
    Episode 330: Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner  
    Episode 331: 'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network  
    Episode 332: Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves  
    Episode 333: Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public  
    Episode 334: Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show  
    Episode 335: New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears  
    Episode 336: Future News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010  
    Episode 337: Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming  
    Episode 338: Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night  
    Episode 339: Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze  
    Episode 340: Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers  
    Episode 341: Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?  
    Episode 342: Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay  
    Episode 343: Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction  
    Episode 344: USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family  
    Episode 345: Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises  
    Episode 346: Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author  
    Episode 347: Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer  
    Episode 348: Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses  
    Episode 349: New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products  
    Episode 350: Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate  
    Episode 351: Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody  
    Episode 352: Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa  
    Episode 353: Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash  
    Episode 354: TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults  
    Episode 355: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?  
    Episode 356: Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer  
    Episode 357: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape  
    Episode 358: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica  
    Episode 359: Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve  
    Episode 360: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams  
    Episode 361: How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side  

Season 2011 of The Onion News Network

    Episode :   
    Episode 1: Enter the Factzone  
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